Interesting Things I Learned This Week-7 Perspectives on Becoming Ex-Chareidi

A very interesting social dynamic in talmudic times can teach us timeless lessons

Rabbi caught secretly eating tofu cheese burger in flagrant violation of community standards

Upon watching the amazing interview of Naftali Moster posted by

Ash

(which I actually found quite moving and filled with hope for the future) I immediately thought of a gemara I learned just last week.

It is yet another fascinating gemara in Bechoros, this time on daf 30b which describes the process for achieving the status called “chaveir” in Jewish society.

It requires the prospective inductee to commit to keep the standards of kashrus and taharah that the community of “chaveirim” demands. Some of the standards are stringencies, but many of them are actually basic halachos which the עמי הארץ are generally neglectful of—like basic hafroshas terumos and maaseros and challah!

(Rashi actually believes that none of these chaver standards are stringencies and that basic halacha requires all Jews to eat all food in tahahars hakodesh.¹)

דְּתַנְיָא: עַם הָאָרֶץ שֶׁקִּיבֵּל עָלָיו דִּבְרֵי חֲבֵירוּת, וְנֶחְשַׁד לְדָבָר אֶחָד — נֶחְשַׁד לְכׇל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי מֵאִיר. וַחֲכָמִים אוֹמְרִים: אֵינוֹ נֶחְשָׁד אֶלָּא לְאוֹתוֹ דָּבָר בִּלְבַד.

As it is taught in a baraita (Tosefta, Demai 2:4): With regard to an am ha’aretz, i.e., one who is unreliable with regard to ritual impurity and tithes, who accepts upon himself the commitment to observe the matters associated with ḥaver status, i.e., that he will be stringent in all matters observed by ḥaverim, including teruma, tithes, and ḥalla, and also undertake to eat only food that is ritually pure, and the Sages accepted him as trustworthy but subsequently he was suspected with regard to one matter in which others saw him act improperly, he is suspected with regard to the entire Torah (Edit: some say this really refers to just the entire list of matters associated with chaveirus and not literally the whole Torah—DYK). This is the statement of Rabbi Meir.

And the Rabbis say: He is suspected only with regard to that particular matter.

How to become a chaver:

This commitment had to be made verbally in the presence of three chaveirim. After a undergoing a learning process and a period where he demonstrates his ability to keep these commitments long-term, he becomes נאמן. This means he can be halachicly relied upon by other chaveirim in these areas of kashrus and taharah—typically regarding food and food making utensils, but also garments.

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: הַבָּא לְקַבֵּל דִּבְרֵי חֲבֵירוּת, אִם רְאִינוּהוּ שֶׁנּוֹהֵג בְּצִינְעָה בְּתוֹךְ בֵּיתוֹ — מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתוֹ, וְאַחַר כָּךְ מְלַמְּדִין אוֹתוֹ. וְאִם לָאו — מְלַמְּדִין אוֹתוֹ, וְאַחַר כָּךְ מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתוֹ. רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן יוֹחַי אוֹמֵר: בֵּין כָּךְ וּבֵין כָּךְ מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתוֹ, וְהוּא לָמֵד כְּדַרְכּוֹ וְהוֹלֵךְ.

The Gemara continues on a similar topic. The Sages taught in a baraita: In the case of one who comes to accept upon himself a commitment to observe the matters associated with ḥaver status, if we have seen that he practices such matters in private, within his home, he is accepted, and afterward he is taught the precise details of being a ḥaver. But if we have not seen him act as a ḥaver in his home, he is taught first and afterward accepted. Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai says: Whether in this case or that case, he is first accepted, and he then continues to learn in the usual manner, i.e., as a ḥaver he learns from others how to behave.

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: הַבָּא לְקַבֵּל דִּבְרֵי חֲבֵירוּת — צָרִיךְ לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים, וּבָנָיו וּבְנֵי בֵּיתוֹ אֵינָן צְרִיכִין לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים. רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל אוֹמֵר: אַף בָּנָיו וּבְנֵי בֵיתוֹ צְרִיכִין לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים, לְפִי שֶׁאֵינוֹ דּוֹמֶה חָבֵר שֶׁקִּיבֵּל לְבֶן חָבֵר שֶׁקִּיבֵּל.

The Sages taught in a baraita: One who comes to accept upon himself a commitment to observe the matters associated with ḥaver status must accept it in the presence of three ḥaverim. But his children and the members of his household are not required to accept the status of ḥaver separately in the presence of three ḥaverim. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel says: Even his children and the members of his household must accept the status of ḥaver in the presence of three ḥaverim, because a ḥaver, who accepted it himself in the presence of three others, is not comparable to the son of a ḥaver, who accepted that status only due to his father but did not accept it himself explicitly, and their accepting the status not in the presence of three people is insufficient.

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: הַבָּא לְקַבֵּל דִּבְרֵי חֲבֵירוּת — צָרִיךְ לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים, וַאֲפִילּוּ תַּלְמִיד חָכָם צָרִיךְ לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים. זָקֵן וְיוֹשֵׁב בִּישִׁיבָה — אֵינוֹ צָרִיךְ לְקַבֵּל בִּפְנֵי שְׁלֹשָׁה חֲבֵירִים, שֶׁכְּבָר קִיבֵּל עָלָיו מִשָּׁעָה שֶׁיָּשַׁב.

There are many more fascinating aspects of joining the “Chaver club” in this gemara (which I’m sure there is tons of academic literature examining all the sociological-religious aspects of it). But I want to focus on a dispute on daf 31a discussing the Am Ha’aretz who was accepted as a chaver but relapses into his old habits.

How to become an EX-chaver: #1 Private vs. Public relapse

Rebbi Meir says that once an Am Ha’aretz relapses, he can never be accepted back to regain his lost Chaver status. He has shown that he doesn’t have what it takes, and therefore can’t be a נאמן in these areas ever again by other chaveirim. No probation period. He’s out.

תנוּ רַבָּנַן: וְכוּלָּן שֶׁחָזְרוּ בָּהֶן אֵין מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן עוֹלָמִית, דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי מֵאִיר

.With regard to an am ha’aretz who accepts upon himself the stringent practices of a ḥaver, the Sages taught in a baraita: And with regard to all of them, when they retract and return to being amei ha’aretz, they are never accepted as ḥaverim; this is the statement of Rabbi Meir.

Pretty harsh.

Rebbi Yehudah has a more nuanced view. It depends: if he was caught clandestinely cheating on his professed chaver standards, then (Tosfos explains,) he loses credibility since he is a charlatan and cannot be trusted going forward—even when he claims to be ready again. But if he publicly throws in the towel and says openly that he just keep it up anymore, he remains a trustworthy individual and can be re-accepted into the club.

He will be relied upon in these matters again when he feels he is able!

רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: חָזְרוּ בְּמַטְמוֹנִיּוֹת — אֵין מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן, בְּפַרְהֶסְיָא — מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן.

Rabbi Yehuda says: If they retracted in private, while in public they continue to act as ḥaverim, they are not accepted, but if they retract in public [befarheseya], they are accepted, as they can be trusted.

Tosfos:

והדר קתני וכולן שחזרו בהן כלומר שחזרו לסורם וקלקלו מעשיהם אין מקבלין אותן עולמית כיון דלא יכלו לעמוד בה

ר' יהודה אומר במטמוניות כלומר שחזרו לסורם במטמוניות ובגלוי נזהרין על דברי חבירות אין מקבלין אותן שגונבין דעת הבריות ואין עושין אלא לפנים אבל אם לגמרי קלקלו מעשיהם אף בפרהסיא מקבלין אותן כשישוב דכשחוזרין חזרה לגמרי:

But then we have a completely different take of this view which has Rebbi Yehudah’s statement reversed!

אִיכָּא דְּאָמְרִי: אִם עָשׂוּ דִּבְרֵיהֶן בְּמַטְמוֹנִיּוֹת — מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן, בְּפַרְהֶסְיָא — אֵין מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן.

There are those who say another version of this discussion: If they performed their actions as ḥaverim even in private, when they initially accepted the status of ḥaverim, then they are accepted when they wish to return to that status. Conversely, if they performed their actions as ḥaverim only in public, they are not accepted.

Rashi explains as follows:²

If you relapse in private, it is actually better because you are minimizing the chillul Hashem involved. Therefore you can be re-accepted. (This make Rashi consistent because he believes chaverus is a commitment to keep basic halachos required by all Jews but the Am Ha’aretz are typically lax about. So public violation is a chillul Hashem.)

Apparently the logic is that by keeping your lapses private, you are demonstrating a sensitivity to the value of maintaining strong communal standards for the community’s sake. If members of the chaver community are openly compromising on their commitments, it can weaken resolve of other chaveirim to keep up those high standards. People in the community might start thinking it’s just too hard.

It is apparently worse than having never become a chaver in the first place. Because the mere existence of the Am Ha’aretz class doesn’t negatively effect the chaverim class. Public defections from the chaver class does have a negative effect on the community, so the consequence is a permanent revoking of the status.

I’ll leave it to the readers to relate these two perspectives to our current society’s attitudes towards public and private defectors from the Chareidi way of life.

Now the Good News:

This section of the gemara concludes on an inspiring note. We rule against both Rebbi Meir and Rebbi Yehudah. No form of relapse can result in a permanent revocation of the chaver status. Teshuvah is always possible:

רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן וְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן קׇרְחָה אוֹמְרִים: בֵּין כָּךְ וּבֵין כָּךְ מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתָן, מִשּׁוּם שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״שׁוּבוּ בָּנִים שׁוֹבָבִים״. אָמַר רַבִּי יִצְחָק אִישׁ כְּפַר עַכּוֹ אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: הֲלָכָה כְּאוֹתוֹ הַזּוּג.

Rabbi Shimon and Rabbi Yehoshua ben Korḥa say: Both in this case and in that case they are accepted, as it is stated: “Return, you backsliding children; I will heal your backslidings” (Jeremiah 3:22). Rabbi Yitzḥak of the village of Akko says that Rabbi Yoḥanan says: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of that pair, Rabbi Shimon and Rabbi Yehoshua ben Korḥa, i.e., those who return are accepted in both cases.

How to become an EX chaver #2: Tax Scamming

The gemara brings a second method to revoke a chaver’s status. Engaging in an unethical occupation!

Keep in mind that in Talmudic times, a tax collector was given leeway by the government to collect unspecified additional funds for compensation. This was illegal under Jewish law since the amount he would collect from any individual was arbitrary. Hence, becoming a tax collector was associated with being a thief and automatically disqualified him from maintaining his chaver status.

תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן, בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה הָיוּ אוֹמְרִים: חָבֵר וְנַעֲשָׂה גַּבַּאי — דּוֹחִין אוֹתוֹ מֵחֲבֵירָתוֹ, פֵּירַשׁ — אֵין מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתוֹ. חָזְרוּ לוֹמַר: פֵּירַשׁ — הֲרֵי הוּא כְּכׇל אָדָם.

§ The Sages taught in a baraita: Initially, the Sages would say with regard to one who is a ḥaver and became a tax collector that he is rejected from his status as a ḥaver. Even if he later resigns from his position as a tax collector, he is not accepted. In later generations they went back to saying that if he resigns from his position as a tax collector he is like any other person and may be accepted once again as a ḥaver.

The gemara there goes on to give an example where the Amorah Rav Huna Bar Chiyah became a tax collector and his chaver status was revoked and reinstated when he quit his job!³

Again, I’ll leave it to the reader to draw the obvious parallels to today’s world where so many really frum Jews are employing unethical tax and government assistance practices in their personal and business dealings with the state.

The relevance of these gemaros are astounding.

And again, the good news is that the gemara eventually concludes that there is always the ability to renounce the criminal behavior and be accepted as a chaver once again.

1. Rashi Bechoros daf 30a: הטהרות דרבנן נינהו שיהא אדם אוכל חולין בטהרה: הא חשוד. על הטהרות חשוד על השביעית:

2. Rashi Bechoros 31a: עשו דברים במטמוניות. שלא חיללו שם שמים בפרהסיא מקבלין אותם

3. רַב הוּנָא בַּר חִיָּיא אִיצְטְרִיכָא לֵיהּ שַׁעְתָּא, הֲוָה עָיֵיל גַּבֵּיהּ רַבָּה וְרַב יוֹסֵף וְאַרְבַּע מְאָה זוּגֵא דְּרַבָּנַן. שְׁמַע דְּאָתוּ, קְטַיר לְהוּ אַרְבַּע מְאָה תַּכְתָּקֵי. לְסוֹף שְׁמַעוּ דְּנַעֲשָׂה גַּבַּאי, שְׁלַחוּ לֵיהּ: זִיל לַחֲשִׁיבוּתֵיהּ, זִיל לְקַדְמוּתֵיהּ. שְׁלַח לְהוּ: הֲדַרִי בִּי. רַב יוֹסֵף לָא אֲזַל, רַבָּה אֲזַל.

The Gemara relates that one time the Sages needed Rav Huna bar Ḥiyya for a certain matter. Rabba and Rav Yosef and four hundred pairs of Sages ascended to his home. When he heard that they were coming, he tied for them four hundred chairs [takhtekei] to sit on. Eventually the Sages heard that he had become a tax collector. They sent him the following message: Go to your important position as a tax collector, and go to your former status, as we no longer need you. He sent to them the following message: I have repented and am no longer a tax collector. Rav Yosef did not go to him, but Rabba went to him.

רַב יוֹסֵף אָמַר: תְּנֵינָא, פֵּירַשׁ — אֵין מְקַבְּלִין אוֹתוֹ; רַבָּה אָמַר: תְּנֵינָא, חָזְרוּ לוֹמַר: פֵּירַשׁ — הֲרֵי הוּא כְּכׇל אָדָם.

Rav Yosef said in explanation of why he did not go: We learn in a baraita that even if such an individual resigns from his position as a tax collector he is not accepted. Rabba said: We learn in the baraita that in later generations they went back to saying that if he resigns from his position as a tax collector he is like any other person and may be accepted once again as a ḥaver.